Recently, Refuge had the opportunity for to hold our first dad’s retreat here in Colorado. The purpose of the retreat was to learn and grow together through teaching and relationship building. One big goal of the retreat was to give adoptive dads the rare opportunity to connect with other dads and discover that we are not alone in the challenges and struggles we face. Even though many of us have close, male friends in our lives, many of those friends are not adoptive/foster dads. Please consider joining us in the future.
Once 'n DoneConvenience is something we value in our culture today. Quick. Instant. Easy. Rapid release. Disposable. But even with floors, it's not really true. You've washed it once and you are done…for now. The truth is we all know we are going to have to wash that floor again. It is the same with adoption grief. It is not "Once 'n Done." I will never forget the most impactful sentence I ever read during the exhaustive adoption reading I did before my first child came home at 10 months in 1998.
"With age comes understanding." This is a heavy concept. But what does it really mean? Our daughter was a baby when she came home. We've always talked about her adoption and what a blessing is has been to us. Our son has always known he was adopted and he has always been such a happy and content child. But in truth, there is no formula to apply for a rapid release of grief. Shouldn't all the love they have received for all of these years cancel out those beginning moments of pain? No. Not at all. It does not work that way. With age comes understanding. It is a great foundation that your child has growing up loved and invested in, and ultimately, when the storms come, they will be battle worn and weary, but they will stand and you will be the rock they stand on.
Please understand this; embrace it; prepare for it.
If they were adopted as infants, theirs is a pain that was forged deep in their hearts before they were even born. It is our duty and honor to carry them through it when it finally comes to the surface, and it WILL come. If there was ever a time that you need to understand that "It's not about me", this is the time. It will feel like they are rejecting you. They are not.It will feel like they do not love you and never did. They do.It will make you think that none of the love and attention and effort and blood and sweat and tears you have poured out for them matters. It does. This is what an adoptive parent does. It's what a PARENT does. We bear the pain with our children. Because we love them.This is when we begin to understand just how perfectly God loves us. 1 Corinthians 13:7-8a says (emphasis added), "Love BEARS all things, BELIEVES all things, HOPES all things, ENDURES all things. LOVE NEVER ENDS." Love is not "once and done". It endures forever. Please be prepared to love your children by BEARING, BELIEVING, HOPING, ENDURING, AND NEVER ENDING. What kind of support surrounds you as a parent or a challenging child? Do your friends and extended family “get” the challenges you face? Does your church and its leaders understand why it may be impossible for you to attend weekly services or send your child to Sunday school or to a youth function? Are there times when you notice “normal” families and think, “I just wish my kid could function semi-normally in public? I just call it a successful day if my child goes to bed without cussing me out or putting a hole in our wall!”
Hopefully, most of you have an “inner” circle of trusted friends and family who understand the unique dynamics and needs of your family, but one of the desires and purposes of Refuge is to help those in our “outer” circle (churches, teachers, neighbors, friends, coworkers, etc) to come to a deeper knowledge of how to better support adoptive families as they navigate uncharted waters…er, tidal waves…of raising children from traumatic backgrounds.
One way we do this is through workshops specifically designed for a broader population who wish to understand and support adoptive families. Refuge Workshops are fun, engaging, informative, and judgment free half day long teaching sessions with two individualized tracks. Our workshops are designed to assist families and communities in forming realistic expectations and offering hope for healthy and restored relationships.
Track 1 is for PARENTS. The content zeroes in on fostering (no pun intended) true relationships within an adoptive family.
Track 2 is for the SUPPORT NETWORK: church leaders, friends, family, neighbors -- really anyone who wishes to be a part of the “team.” This track helps our “outer” circle learn how to come alongside the adoptive family in helpful and positive ways that may actually surprise them. If you would like to discuss bringing a Refuge workshop area, please contact Joel Longshore at 303.919.7080, or email joel@refugeforadoption.org. We would love to speak with you and give you more details on how to host a successful workshop!
WHY WE ARE HERE Refuge Ministries exists to provide restoration, renewal and rest to adoptive and foster families by offering them hope through education, community and the healing power of Jesus Christ.
Please consider partnering with us through a one time, or ongoing financial gift. Your generosity truly does help make a difference in the lives of struggling families. To give, please click the following link…
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Refuge Fall 2016 Newsletter – PDF VERSION
November 22, 2016Category: Newsletters